(So this is my first topical essay, and I will add the disclaimer that these are only my ideas, so feel free to question and disagree with anything I say. The prompt for this essay was seeing on my Facebook feed that another damn acquaintance of mine had gotten into Cambridge, and I’m in my sliders with a cold having been indoors all day procrastinating! This article is as much self assurance for me as it is advice for you.)

All around me, people seem to be succeeding and finding happiness in every area which I’m striving to improve at. From those who got into Oxbridge, to those making international competitions and rankings for various sporting and musical pursuits, “everyone else” is progressing with their lives and making them fulfilling, and simply “making it” into the upper echelons of society. This situation also feels like a personal kick in the teeth, as it appears many times that I’ve almost reached those heights of success, only to choke at the last hurdle. I’ve been told all my life that I’d be special and would make it, and I feel under pressure to fulfill the potential and expectation put in me from the start. But whenever I try to make any real progress, the weight of expectation crushes me before I even start, and I think to myself that I’ll never get to their “level”, and therefore I don’t deserve love. I’m destined for a life of mediocrity, a permanent has-been whose best days are behind them. I’ll never be truly good at anything.

Of course, none of this is objective truth: it’s only the narrative concocted in the mind, and circulated throughout society and social media. The mind (or mine at the very least) has been conditioned to serve society and the goals/values it holds. And our current western society is all about rapid consumerism and “the grind” to make yourself successful and happy–making sure to tell everyone else about it too! It’s very du jour to shit on social media, but I think that coupled with the present socio-economic mindset of, “be on your grind, growth is the most important thing, get your money up”, social media has contributed to the evisceration of our generation’s self esteem. The fact that you can see the (selectively shown) progress of others leads to a vicious cycle of comparison and a culture of one-upmanship that is addictive and debilitating. Those who can’t keep up due to factors out of their control such as where they were born, genetics or parental upbringing will struggle on the societal treadmill that’s too fast for them and lose again and again and again. So how can one ever win?

You can’t. There is no win condition and as long as you are invested in this worldview you will never be enough in your own eyes, nor in this current culture long-term. For the latter, while it’s true that you can be on top for a short while, you will eventually get knocked off your perch. Every famous sportman/musician has to retire eventually, even the brightest academics have to come to terms with cognitive decline. Because it’s not your game–and you’re playing by someone else’s rules–you’re never going to be on top 100% of the time. No wonder it’s so hard to be truly happy for someone else’s success: this mindset sees life as a competition, and if someone else is winning, then I’m losing. So if we can’t permanently win this game–and therefore never feel lasting contentment–what’s the solution?

The solution is to not play the game. Be the person to decide what rules they’ll lay down for themselves, not what their parent’s believe is best for them. Find joy and love yourself no matter how you perceive yourself in comparison to others. Because ultimately it is just a perception–there’s no objective third party keeping score of how good you are at piano compared to x person. Do the things that make you happy, rather than what you see other people doing. Happiness is an act, not a destination. Of course this doesn’t mean that you can live in your own isolated bubble and not listen to anyone. It just means that you trust that you know how to live your life at the end of the day. This doesn’t mean that all of a sudden you’ll become a slacker who’ll sit indoors all day (like me cri) and rot. There are plenty of examples from history of people ignoring societal views in order to do what they think is right–MLK for example. Anecdotally I can attest to the increase in productivity and contentment as a direct result of paying less attention to other people’s successes. I have a long road to travel, as evidenced by the reasons for writing this. But it is a much happier road.

Anthony Lynch

(I guess this 2nd blog post is more for myself than for external reading, but greetings if for some reason I’ve made this post public in the future!)

I felt the need to write again because I want to optimise my habits so that I can further refine those which I’ve made and appreciate the progress I’ve made so far.

What’s happened so far this year

After my initial setbacks, I’ve responded in a very positive way, cultivating habits and starting to think about my impact on the world. In response to initial musical failures, I’ve been practising sightreading daily and taken up singing and piano lessons. There has been great progress in my sightreading and I’ve taken great interest in musical theory. I’ve learnt 1.5 bach pieces so far and I’m planning to move onto some more difficult repertoire such as Brahms or Schubert. Meanwhile I hope to take grade 8 theory and singing, in order to fully access music tuition at university. I’ve joined a small church choir and did a solo(!) at christmas, and I’m now in the process of looking for some more advanced choirs. I’ve even managed to land my first paid singing gig!

At the start of 2019 I’ve gone back to the gym and am now in the process of rebuilding my previous strength. It has been a humbling and valuable experience albeit short–but I would like to further develop goals and skills to make my workouts more directed and enjoyable. I have stopped running for a couple months, but there is an urge to do a Tough Mudder at some point in the future, although I’m not sure if that’s an ego thing. My vegan diet is great and I haven’t been ill since CH! With gym starting I’d like to start bulking and even meal plan in the future as I am not a great fan of cooking when theres the easy option of toast!

Socially I have improved since the start of the year too. The lack of school/university has made it essential to be proactive in setting up meeting with friends, which is something I haven’t been as good as I have wanted to in the past. I’ve managed to get back in touch with earlier friends who I’ve neglected since going to sixth-form, interspersed with semi-regular meetings with CH friends. My job has also been great in combating my loneliness by breaking up the monotony in between seeing friends as everyone is so terribly busy these days. The problem of loneliness greatly diminishes with having a routine which regularly gets you out the house, and having the money to travel and see people. Even if you’re stuck in your bedroom, having a routine that makes you productive can boost self esteem and reduce the debilitative nature of solitude.

Since finally getting a job, I’ve been able to finance music lessons, seeing friends, buying things I want and generally not having to compromise on spending on myself or others. Moreover, a dearth in finances really can harm your mental health, manifesting itself as an insidious, creeping angst of any potential financial event. Money may not be the source to happiness, but it can act as a catalyst for it. My previously stingy self has been reduced somewhat, but I would say that I spend my money pretty wisely, if buying philosophy books counts as that! I’m thinking about getting a better-paid job, but the flexibility of this job and accumulated personal knowledge of the building are making me reconsider.

Overall, my mental health has greatly improved. I no longer use my achievements (where have they gone lol) as my identity, resulting in much less self-hatred and a general ease. The amazing thing is that the less you identify with your ego and your social image, the more productive you become, as you are no longer crushed by minor failures and no longer need to force yourself to do things as a means to an end. If you enjoy the journey/struggle, then you don’t need the end goal to happen or not, making you a lot happier in general! I always used to be in my head and this led to failures in my grades, choking in national team table tennis finals, and being an egotistic and awkward person in general. Once you learn to appreciate that life is NOT about you, then events are no longer percieved so subjectively (usually negatively), resulting in greater focus in the present and better results when it matters. My time at CH made me a very (self) judgemental and hateful person, and I’ve spent the last 6 months reconditioning my thought patterns to be a more positive and empathetic person.More practically, drinking lots of water, exercise, human interaction and a healthy diet are timeless ways to stop my mind slipping into negativity and self-doubt. I’ve been exploring (secular) buddhism and other philosophical concepts of the nature such as existentialism/humanism, and am starting to piece together my own personal philosophy. I’ve started to build a strong meditation practise and I have been following books such as, “The Mind Illuminated” and “The Power of Now.” as teaching aids. Whilst I disagree with some of their doctrines, they have really helped jumpstart my practise and become more present. I aim to continue as I started for the rest of the year and life: reading, meditating and ruminating over the big questions in the world. I’m kind of considering a meditation retreat too but I’m blessed to have the London buddhist centre right on my doorstep so maybe I should start using that free resource before spending hundreds.

In the future, I’d like to start cold showers again, as they’re a lot better for my skin and hair and energise you for the day ahead. Another habit I’d like to cultivate is getting up early in the mornings–one of the few genuine benefits of Christ’s Hospital was that I learnt how to grind under most conditions, and I’ve been fortunate to have made this progress in a pretty unorganised way, waking up late morning on the days I’m not working. Getting up early will optimise my daily grind, and improve my sleep patterns so I don’t get as depressed in the mornings. Finally I’d like to finally start really getting into photography, as I have a fancy camera gifted to me on my 18th birthday and I’m starting to feel guilty for not properly using it!

To conclude, I’m very proud of the progress I’ve made so far compared to 7 months. This whole paradigm shift has been the best thing that has happened to me, and this journey started from not getting the results I wanted!! If I had the opportunity to get the results I desired, I definitely wouldn’t. This year has been far too valuable compared to the ego boost I would’ve got. I’ve learnt that within every failure is a success, a important piece of knowledge that you didn’t know before that can be the springboard for change and progress. It’s up to the person to use this failure, instead of sitting in their own sorrow.

I’ve had a (subjectively) rough year. After finishing sixth-form and starting my gap year, I recieved lower grades than expected, got rejected by Oxford twice, rejected by three choirs and had a mental breakdown. I’ve always been lauded as someone who is successful and someone who will go far, but increasingly I’m finding that my percieved self-image of future fame and fortune is not holding water when exposed to the adult world. I believe that I’m in the midst of my “fifth-life crisis” (lets hope it’s closer to quarter I don’t want to live to 100) and I’m initially going to use this resource to organise my thoughts, let myself vent, and hopefully clarify what the hell’s going on in my head.

The world does not give a fuck about me. Being adopted, I was always coddled and praised throughout my childhood, which I believe led to delusions of grandeur and a sense of entitlement that went unchallenged until the summer of this year. Not that I didn’t work hard–far from it. During my last year of school I was juggling football, cross-country, gym, grades, singing, piano and even a bit of interpretive dance. I’d suffered setbacks before, such as never quite realising my potential for table tennis, and not getting the GCSE grades that I thought I deserved. But to me they were just creases in the eventually beautiful tapestry of my life and would be ironed out as I improved. But the last three months have taught me that society isn’t me-orientated, and I’m no better than anyone else. My previous, externally driven mindset has been utterly shattered, revealing the fragile seed of my own self-love. As time progresses, I’d like to see it blossom into a strong oak, that doesn’t collapse at the first sign of blustery winds.

I want to be a person who is ok with whatever path I take, who loves myself no matter how hard I fall socially. I want to be a person who doesn’t care about social labels and status. There is still a long way to go, comparing myself to others is so easy due to social media and it’s a habit ingrained in my psyche over the past three years. Nevertheless I’ve got a lot closer to that goal this year since the breakdown and the ensuing ruminating about my purpose, and classic gap yah questioning of life and what it all means. To an extent, grappling with these issues is a never-ending struggle, but often the journey is better than the goal, and the intention as valuable as the consequence.

In the end, I just wanted to be special. I’m still terrified of being ordinary, an average joe who doesn’t excel at anything and dies without caring for any issues or causes. It hurts that I didn’t get into Oxford, and that I’m now branded a “reject” for daring to try. I want to be loved and appreciated and respected and it feels like I’m severely lacking in all those things in the wider world. Why wasn’t I prepared for this in school? I feel so lost seeing all my peers at uni seemingly having the time of their lives with their rosy path set out for them, while I’m stuck in the mire of self-doubt and loathing about my predicament. Make no mistake, I know that I’m very privileged in the talents afforded to me at birth, the fact I have amazing adoptive parents who have supported me and loved me as their own, and the luxury of spending two years at a private school. I think the course of this year and the rest of my life will be spent unifying the rational premise of the previous sentence with the heuristic, but fundamentally flawed reasoning embedded in my subconcious that plagues me with self-hatred and stereotyping of virtually all external stimuli. Ultimately I’m struggling quite a lot at the moment, and I need a safe space to write essays that aren’t subject to marking for once.

I guess this blog is an attempt at trying to rationalise my thoughts, and perhaps improving my writing/typing skills too. It’s therapeutic too, spilling all my thoughts onto the proverbial paper and seeing what comes out. I’m still very young (ergo inexperienced) and my opinions and judgements will reflect that. In the future I hope to see the progress I’ve made since writing this essay, because this feels like an important time in my life and it would be shame to lose the incipient ideas and self-image I’m cultivating presently. If these writings end up becoming public, I hope it will serve as an antidote to the self-gratifying, superficial world of instagram, offering a profound and honest representation of the events in my life. Finally, I hope to use big complex words to make me feel smart amid all the depressing subject matter likely to be splattered around this website, so if you think my vocabulary choice is pretentious (and incorrect), then you’re probably right!

Part of me sees this endeavour as pointless, just another lone voice shouting into the din of cyberspace. But my voice and ideas hold intrinsic value, and if my voice is interesting to me then the lack of validation won’t matter to me as much hopefully.

We’ll see.

Anthony

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton