Halfway through

(I guess this 2nd blog post is more for myself than for external reading, but greetings if for some reason I’ve made this post public in the future!)

I felt the need to write again because I want to optimise my habits so that I can further refine those which I’ve made and appreciate the progress I’ve made so far.

What’s happened so far this year

After my initial setbacks, I’ve responded in a very positive way, cultivating habits and starting to think about my impact on the world. In response to initial musical failures, I’ve been practising sightreading daily and taken up singing and piano lessons. There has been great progress in my sightreading and I’ve taken great interest in musical theory. I’ve learnt 1.5 bach pieces so far and I’m planning to move onto some more difficult repertoire such as Brahms or Schubert. Meanwhile I hope to take grade 8 theory and singing, in order to fully access music tuition at university. I’ve joined a small church choir and did a solo(!) at christmas, and I’m now in the process of looking for some more advanced choirs. I’ve even managed to land my first paid singing gig!

At the start of 2019 I’ve gone back to the gym and am now in the process of rebuilding my previous strength. It has been a humbling and valuable experience albeit short–but I would like to further develop goals and skills to make my workouts more directed and enjoyable. I have stopped running for a couple months, but there is an urge to do a Tough Mudder at some point in the future, although I’m not sure if that’s an ego thing. My vegan diet is great and I haven’t been ill since CH! With gym starting I’d like to start bulking and even meal plan in the future as I am not a great fan of cooking when theres the easy option of toast!

Socially I have improved since the start of the year too. The lack of school/university has made it essential to be proactive in setting up meeting with friends, which is something I haven’t been as good as I have wanted to in the past. I’ve managed to get back in touch with earlier friends who I’ve neglected since going to sixth-form, interspersed with semi-regular meetings with CH friends. My job has also been great in combating my loneliness by breaking up the monotony in between seeing friends as everyone is so terribly busy these days. The problem of loneliness greatly diminishes with having a routine which regularly gets you out the house, and having the money to travel and see people. Even if you’re stuck in your bedroom, having a routine that makes you productive can boost self esteem and reduce the debilitative nature of solitude.

Since finally getting a job, I’ve been able to finance music lessons, seeing friends, buying things I want and generally not having to compromise on spending on myself or others. Moreover, a dearth in finances really can harm your mental health, manifesting itself as an insidious, creeping angst of any potential financial event. Money may not be the source to happiness, but it can act as a catalyst for it. My previously stingy self has been reduced somewhat, but I would say that I spend my money pretty wisely, if buying philosophy books counts as that! I’m thinking about getting a better-paid job, but the flexibility of this job and accumulated personal knowledge of the building are making me reconsider.

Overall, my mental health has greatly improved. I no longer use my achievements (where have they gone lol) as my identity, resulting in much less self-hatred and a general ease. The amazing thing is that the less you identify with your ego and your social image, the more productive you become, as you are no longer crushed by minor failures and no longer need to force yourself to do things as a means to an end. If you enjoy the journey/struggle, then you don’t need the end goal to happen or not, making you a lot happier in general! I always used to be in my head and this led to failures in my grades, choking in national team table tennis finals, and being an egotistic and awkward person in general. Once you learn to appreciate that life is NOT about you, then events are no longer percieved so subjectively (usually negatively), resulting in greater focus in the present and better results when it matters. My time at CH made me a very (self) judgemental and hateful person, and I’ve spent the last 6 months reconditioning my thought patterns to be a more positive and empathetic person.More practically, drinking lots of water, exercise, human interaction and a healthy diet are timeless ways to stop my mind slipping into negativity and self-doubt. I’ve been exploring (secular) buddhism and other philosophical concepts of the nature such as existentialism/humanism, and am starting to piece together my own personal philosophy. I’ve started to build a strong meditation practise and I have been following books such as, “The Mind Illuminated” and “The Power of Now.” as teaching aids. Whilst I disagree with some of their doctrines, they have really helped jumpstart my practise and become more present. I aim to continue as I started for the rest of the year and life: reading, meditating and ruminating over the big questions in the world. I’m kind of considering a meditation retreat too but I’m blessed to have the London buddhist centre right on my doorstep so maybe I should start using that free resource before spending hundreds.

In the future, I’d like to start cold showers again, as they’re a lot better for my skin and hair and energise you for the day ahead. Another habit I’d like to cultivate is getting up early in the mornings–one of the few genuine benefits of Christ’s Hospital was that I learnt how to grind under most conditions, and I’ve been fortunate to have made this progress in a pretty unorganised way, waking up late morning on the days I’m not working. Getting up early will optimise my daily grind, and improve my sleep patterns so I don’t get as depressed in the mornings. Finally I’d like to finally start really getting into photography, as I have a fancy camera gifted to me on my 18th birthday and I’m starting to feel guilty for not properly using it!

To conclude, I’m very proud of the progress I’ve made so far compared to 7 months. This whole paradigm shift has been the best thing that has happened to me, and this journey started from not getting the results I wanted!! If I had the opportunity to get the results I desired, I definitely wouldn’t. This year has been far too valuable compared to the ego boost I would’ve got. I’ve learnt that within every failure is a success, a important piece of knowledge that you didn’t know before that can be the springboard for change and progress. It’s up to the person to use this failure, instead of sitting in their own sorrow.